Not All White People Speak the Same Language

By saying "Not All White People Speak the Same Language," I am being totally sarcastic. I know that people in India don't really think that. However, a few days ago there was a White French guy admitted to VIMHANS. A lot of people told me about him and asked me to go talk to him even though I don't speak French. Because I am positioned in the day care and the French guy is in the inpatient department, I figured I would just wait until I move there next week. This morning though the French guy came to the day care to do yoga. And I became more interested in him. Later that day, we did not have too much to do at the day care so we decided to talk to some doctors, maybe sit in during a few consultations. But the doctors were unavailable. Then, we thought we would find out more about the French guy but we also couldn't do that because we couldn't find his doctor. Before speaking to any doctors, the nurse responsible for the French guy told us that we could talk to the French guy anyway. At first, I didn't really want to. After the disastrous experience from yesterday I was dramatized. In general, I just don't think interns should be roaming around like this. Especially not if they don't know what they are doing. I don't know what I can't say, what I can, what I should and what I shouldn't.

But then two other interns went in before to check out how he is. It turned out that he spoke German (which is my Native language) and that he was totally fine with talking to people. When I went in, it was totally amazing. We stayed there for two and a half hours just talking. The french guy is a painter from France and he is very openly talking about his life, his illness (he suffers from schizophrenia) and his history. He showed us pictures of his paintings at home and told us about his family and life story. On the 19th of May he was found on a railway station where he has been lying around for a week. He said he stopped taking his medication and lost control. Very very very interesting guy.

And the most interesting thing is that he came to India to find an alternative healing approach to fight his illness. I don't really know what exactly he meant by it and I don't know if he even knows himself but he said that he doesn't want to take his medication anymore and find another way to cope with his problem. He said he read online that in India alternative ways are being used to treat mental illness and that he wanted to explore those ways. Let's see what will happen. 

Psychodynamic Therapy vs. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy vs. Psychiatric Medication

Today was probably my most exciting day since I have been at VIMHANS. There are two key things that happened. First, I found myself in the middle of a battle. By saying a battle, I not only mean it metaphorically but literally. At VIMHANS, there are all kinds of psychologists that use all kinds of different treatments. They are mostly divided into using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Psychodynamic Therapy. And then there are the psychiatrists who mostly simply prescribe medication and sometimes refer patients for therapy when needed (but most of the time they don't). As I mentioned before, the group who I am doing my internship with is from a psychodynamically based school. This is the only school in India that has this focus. Every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, there are case presentations on particular patients. One person presents and the rest discusses the patient's treatment, symptoms and further approach afterwards. Today's presentation was on a patient who suffers from insomnia. After the presentation, one of the interns asked the question how we could look at this patient from a more psychodynamic point of view. And the battle started.

A psychodynamic perspective is not accepted by a lot of people at VIMHANS as it turns out. In general, it is a much smaller portion of clinicians who apply this approach but it should still be respected as an option. And when the interns didn't see that respect, they started defending their school and what they are taught. In particular, there was this one Senior Psychiatrist who was strongly opposed a psychodynamic perspective. She literally said that such an approach is "crab." And that schools in India are going down if they are teaching such things. They should revise their syllabus and truly think about what they are teaching their students. Because teaching them a psycho-dynamic approach is harming them. Other comments that were made were that "psychoanalysis is dead" or that "just because a patient as a child was not hugged by his mother has caused insomnia cannot be used as a valid explanation." Another psychiatrist said, "we in fact only need physicians and nothing else. If we would be far enough with our research and found what medication helps what patients exactly, then we would not need therapy at all."

After those comments were made the whole entire room was on fire. It seemed as if everybody was fighting with everybody. It was amazing to watch and to listen. And it was so interesting to see in what conflict people are with each other even though they are supposed to work together. I was very surprised about the comments and about the way people spoke to each other.     

Another experience that I had today and want to share briefly, I made at day care. Today, everything seemed crazy, a lot of people didn't know what they are doing and too many things came up at the same time. There was a young man who came in as a new patient and nobody had time to sit down with his father and him. This is why they send me and another girl to interview the father and do some tests with the young man. I picked to do the baseline assessment with the patient and the other intern agreed to interview the father.

I was not ready for this at all and I think I totally screwed up. Very every much so. I felt horrible for the young man. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and was on a lot of medication. He was totally withdrawn and it made it very difficult to talk to him. But I also wasn't sure if he understood everything. Even though his father said he speaks English well and is totally comfortable speaking English, I kind of had the feeling that if I would have spoken Hindi, I could have reached him better. In particular when I asked him about school and about his home, there were things that I didn't really understand or had no sensitivity to because I simply wasn't aware of Indian culture. For example, when I was asking him about his daily routine such as what he did yesterday, what he learned in school or what he ate, I had no idea what he would answer so I couldn't give him examples to try to give him suggestions about what I wanted to hear from him. In general, I really don't think I did a very good job and I felt horrible afterwards.

Another Good Day

Yesterday I didn't have internet so my last post was for yesterday and this one is for today. One thing that I have to get used to is that sometimes there will be no internet and it might stay away for a few days, according to the people I am staying with. Another thing that strikes me here is the fact that the power goes off suddenly and the people continue functioning as if nothing ever happened. For example, we are sitting in a huge lecture room full of people and the power goes off. The professor keeps lecturing and the students continue to ask questions; not a big deal, it's just dark. Same thing in the mall today, I am walking through the mall and then all of a sudden the lights go off but everybody acts as if nothing has happened and continues walking.

Today, I was taking to the mall by the other interns. This was the total opposed from the market yesterday. The people, the stores, the clothes and the prices were completely different. I have been to a lot of different malls in a lot of different countries and they all look exactly the same. I definitely prefer the market yesterday much more than today's mall. But I have to admit that I also definitely did not mind the air-conditioning. I think for the first time for a long time my body has totally cooled off. I don't think I have needed it badly but it was nice.

It was also the first day that I took some pictures. I feel uncomfortable walking around and taking pictures by myself even though I would totally love to. I don't know what and who I can photograph and who might feel disturbed by it. I started small and took some pictures of my room and of my friends at VIMHANS. I hope you like  them.

Best Day Thus Far

This far today was my best day. The girls that I am interning with are awesome. I really liked them from the first day on. Even though they all came from the same school and all know each other, they have all included me into their circle immediately. Today, after we were done with the internship by 4.30 pm, we went to the main market, shopped around and then went for some coffee. It was fun and it was awesome to be there with them. They could tell me about the market, about its history, about the people who shop there and so on. All this, no other tourist could have told me. We ate things I have never eaten before, I have bought things I have never owned before, I went to a coffee shop that was full of local people; this is why I simply loved it.

And the most important thing to mention is that the girls are from a college that is the only in India that is psychodynamic ally based. They said that the platform of their teaching is Freud and Marx. Obviously they also learn other perspectives but this is what they are focusing on for their masters. They are concerned about the same things I am. For example, most of the patients who come in are only there for a couple of minutes and simply get medication prescribed based on a view sentences that they say. They are not referred for therapy or asked any further questions. I know that I am totally simplifying this procedure and the system in the hospital is much more complicated than this but the basic of it is clear and at least we should question it and the girls do.

Since I was really interested in meditation and yoga as a therapy, I also talked to the girls about that and what they think about it. One of the girls said that while in western countries yoga and meditation are becoming increasingly more prevalent, India seems to be losing those values. Today, the people who are practicing yoga and meditation is mostly the older generation, it is not cool for younger people to do that. I found that interesting to hear, because it seems as if yoga and meditation is becoming so big in western countries because it is considered to be cool in particular by the younger generation. However, yoga and meditation is still practiced every day at the day care section in VIMHANS where I am currently placed at. Every morning the patients are doing Yoga and meditation; not as a form of therapy but as an activity. But the hospital also has a separate section that is called body and mind center where they use meditation and yoga as a form of therapy and I will hopefully check that out soon.     

I never learn to ask instead of to assume

My first day at VIMHANS was awesome simply because I was able to interact with people. As of now, I also think that I felt more comfortable in the hospital than anywhere else. People definitely stare less because they probably know how awful it feels to be stared at.

But there obviously was also a bad part to it. I knew that VIMHANS offers internships to students here in India. They have to take courses at the hospital, get case studies and at the completion of the internship they receive a certificate. It's more like a training than an internship and they have to pay for it. This internship is a requirement for them to finish their school. I thought since I don't really need that certificate and don't necessarily want to take classes, I am not going to do that. I am going to be a rather "real intern." The person who I was in charge with made it seem as if I will be working specifically with him on his consultations and I didn't ask any further. I simply assumed that my assumptions were right. As it turns out, I was wrong. I am in the same boot as everybody. This means I will have to write case studies, take classes and rotate with everybody else from one section of the hospital to the next.

However, even though not what I expected, I like it. It's totally fine. We will be moving from day care for outpatients to the inpatients' ward and back to the simple consultation sessions of outpatients; ten days each. In between we have classes, lectures and case presentations. It sounds like a lot of  work but I think it will be fun.

One thing that I am not seeing at VIMHANS for obvious reasons is the positive environmental impact on the patients that I expected and wanted to see. The hospital is pretty big and has a big garden in which the patients can walk around. But neither yoga, meditation nor group therapies are conducted outside. Instead, it is done in the basement. When there is 45 Degree Celsius outside, nobody wants to go outside and that's the problem, the heat. And the basement is not a really good alternative but what can they do. I would suggest make the basement more comfortable.  

However, in another part of my day, I saw some actual interest and concern about the environment. One of the topics for the group discussions was how to conserve water. The patients were very creative and motivated to come up with answers to that question. And I was a little surprised by the choice of that topic. I am totally influenced by the mainstream, by what they say in the newspapers and television because in my head I had ingrained that Indians don't care about the environment so who comes up with that topic. Even the poor ladies among the group had great input about how to conserve water. Not only the rich and intellectual people can be environmental, but the poor as well by for example reusing a bucket of water for washing dirty laundry and afterwards the floor, a patient said.

Wondering about the World

It's probably good that I waited before I posted today. I had a horrifying experience today. After a view hours have past, it's not as horrifying anymore but I still think it was pretty scary. And what is even more important to mention I feel horrible for having been horrified. Today as I did yesterday I went to the Khan Market. That market is supposedly the 'to go place' for tourists. This is the only place where I have seen tourists. And since I have been a little intimidated going out by myself I decided to walk back to the house by myself. It's about an hour away from where I live. I waited for the sunset and then took off. It was still bright enough and not as hot, so the perfect time to have an hour walk. It was a beautiful walk. I did what people told me, which is to wear my sunglasses, not to look at anybody and ignore the people who try to talk to me. Everything was cool. But then I came to the very end of Lodhi Road and all of a sudden there were thousands of people. Later, I found out that they were on a pilgrimage. Form all over India people are coming and visiting a nearby mosque. What mosque that is, I will find out and let you know later. There are countless buses, over-packed with people standing on the road and waiting for departure. There were thousands of people sitting on the ground, in the heat, in the mud and dirt. Screaming children are running around, motorcycles and bicycles are passing through. Roaming dogs in the midst of all of them. Obviously I knew that people will stare at me since I look different but in a crowded area like this, it feels even worse being stared at. While I pass by, a lot of people are talking to me, asking for money, asking if I need a ride. I still have my sunglasses on and trying to hyper-focus on the ground. Every time I look up, I see extreme poverty and misery and all I want is to cry and scream so I keep looking down.  Then I lost myself because I didn't pay attention where I am going. The people are getting more and more and I have no idea where to go and I also can't really stop so I keep walking. And now, this is where I really got scared, I got lost and there is no way out. But, I luckily was walking the right way all along and at some point I hit my colony, turn and arrive at my house. Happy End. 

After this experience, it made me realize and think about things in a deeper but more confusing way. First, I was wondering if I have the right to feel sorry for them. This extreme discrepancy between their life and my life makes me wonder. Shouldn't they all have the right to live the way I do. But at the same time, I question my right to judge the life they live. What makes my life so much better than theirs. The answer might seem obvious to some extent but if I think deeper, it makes me question.

Second, I also realized and am able to understand what it means to be the minority. As a white woman in the western world, I have never had this experience. This feeling was above everything I have ever felt before. It was horrible. Nevertheless, I think I will get used to it more as time passes. I know that this will never be a pleasant feeling but at some point I will have to start dealing with something that is inevitable.

Third, I realized why I like going to the Khan Market so much. Because there are people who look like me. I know this sounds horrible but it makes me feel comfortable and safe. For my defense, I have only been here for a couple of days and I have never been to a country before by myself where I am the vast minority by myself. And I know that a lot of people have to deal with that stuff on a daily bases but for me this is new and I first have to get used to it.

Conclusion: never start out a trip like this by yourself. Have somebody with you. I am a hundred percent certain that my time getting used to everything would be much easier if I would have somebody with me who I can share my thoughts with. Right now, I am by myself and there is nobody who can understand me. For now, the blog will have to serve as the only outlet for my impressions.

Cheers

Good Advise

I have been given a lot of good advice from a lot of very smart people and one of those is very helpful right now. I have to make the best out of it even though it is not according to the plan I had before I got here. You always have to have a backup plan because most times it will not go the way you want. This is how life goes.

I might be a little bit too dramatic but I have to admit that I was not very happy with my first view days here. Things haven't gone the way I wanted and expected them to go. I was supposed to start my internship the 23rd of May and now I am not starting until May 28th. This would not be bad because theoretically I could go around and do some sightseeing but I have to admit that I am scared. It's extremely hot and I have a hard time getting people to understand me. Supposedly everybody speaks English but in practice not too many people do. And everybody is constantly scaring me. They say that I shouldn't be going out by myself. But that's hard not to do if I don't know anybody yet.

Anyway my new plan is to make the best out of this situation. I have a lot of time to do some research about Yoga and meditation therapy. I can go out in the neighborhood and explore the environment here. And the woman I am staying with goes to a temple every early morning and then to the park to do some yoga. My plan is to get her to take me with her so I can see the world through her eyes.