It's probably good that I waited before I posted today. I had a horrifying experience today. After a view hours have past, it's not as horrifying anymore but I still think it was pretty scary. And what is even more important to mention I feel horrible for having been horrified. Today as I did yesterday I went to the Khan Market. That market is supposedly the 'to go place' for tourists. This is the only place where I have seen tourists. And since I have been a little intimidated going out by myself I decided to walk back to the house by myself. It's about an hour away from where I live. I waited for the sunset and then took off. It was still bright enough and not as hot, so the perfect time to have an hour walk. It was a beautiful walk. I did what people told me, which is to wear my sunglasses, not to look at anybody and ignore the people who try to talk to me. Everything was cool. But then I came to the very end of Lodhi Road and all of a sudden there were thousands of people. Later, I found out that they were on a pilgrimage. Form all over India people are coming and visiting a nearby mosque. What mosque that is, I will find out and let you know later. There are countless buses, over-packed with people standing on the road and waiting for departure. There were thousands of people sitting on the ground, in the heat, in the mud and dirt. Screaming children are running around, motorcycles and bicycles are passing through. Roaming dogs in the midst of all of them. Obviously I knew that people will stare at me since I look different but in a crowded area like this, it feels even worse being stared at. While I pass by, a lot of people are talking to me, asking for money, asking if I need a ride. I still have my sunglasses on and trying to hyper-focus on the ground. Every time I look up, I see extreme poverty and misery and all I want is to cry and scream so I keep looking down. Then I lost myself because I didn't pay attention where I am going. The people are getting more and more and I have no idea where to go and I also can't really stop so I keep walking. And now, this is where I really got scared, I got lost and there is no way out. But, I luckily was walking the right way all along and at some point I hit my colony, turn and arrive at my house. Happy End.
After this experience, it made me realize and think about things in a deeper but more confusing way. First, I was wondering if I have the right to feel sorry for them. This extreme discrepancy between their life and my life makes me wonder. Shouldn't they all have the right to live the way I do. But at the same time, I question my right to judge the life they live. What makes my life so much better than theirs. The answer might seem obvious to some extent but if I think deeper, it makes me question.
Second, I also realized and am able to understand what it means to be the minority. As a white woman in the western world, I have never had this experience. This feeling was above everything I have ever felt before. It was horrible. Nevertheless, I think I will get used to it more as time passes. I know that this will never be a pleasant feeling but at some point I will have to start dealing with something that is inevitable.
Third, I realized why I like going to the Khan Market so much. Because there are people who look like me. I know this sounds horrible but it makes me feel comfortable and safe. For my defense, I have only been here for a couple of days and I have never been to a country before by myself where I am the vast minority by myself. And I know that a lot of people have to deal with that stuff on a daily bases but for me this is new and I first have to get used to it.
Conclusion: never start out a trip like this by yourself. Have somebody with you. I am a hundred percent certain that my time getting used to everything would be much easier if I would have somebody with me who I can share my thoughts with. Right now, I am by myself and there is nobody who can understand me. For now, the blog will have to serve as the only outlet for my impressions.
Cheers
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